Is the question we’re asked over and over again everywhere we go. Just the other day I was taking a leak in a bar and as I’m drying my hands I’m faced with this question on a sticker on the hand dryer. Accompanying this sticker was some sort of device where you could select (think of the germs!) an answer from a sad face through to an ecstatic face…a total of 5 smilies to really hone in on the nuances of sadness or happiness you felt from your washroom experience…GIVE ME A F****** BREAK!!!
What sad b******’s job is it to be on the other end of this question? Who is sitting in an office somewhere crunching this apparent coveted ‘data’ and converting it into information and for what purpose? Men and Women have been taking leaks in public washrooms (amongst other activities) for centuries. Ok, we’re no longer in a situation where we all sit around together taking communal dumps thanks to the introduction of cubicles (although I believe shared cubicles was brought back a few years ago so Ladies can gossip as they ‘go’) but it pretty much is what is. I mean what do I need from a Washroom? Personally - availability (no queues), soap in the dispensers, working locks on doors and no dude offering me fake aftershave and chewing gum (“for the ladies”). That’s it. I mean I thank the person from the 1800s who provided feedback to instate cubicles but other than the basics, I’m not sure why anyone cares too much about anyone’s washroom experience. If it’s filthy, lacking soap, bust locks, then ideally a simple word with the Bar Staff would address this and not some data cruncher wanting to roll out a niche stat about the downward trend of washroom experiences.
This is of course just the most tedious example I’ve found to date about the endless requests for your feedback on how your experience was. I get texts after I’ve had my hair cut, car serviced and even Walmart want me to complete an online survey with a chance of winning $1000. I mean, my haircut is fine, I tip the Lady who cuts it. I’m hoping my car service is good by default, as I hope they actually did check the brakes, top up the oil and fluids and as for Walmart, we’ll they’re annoying as s*** but in times such as these their prices work with my budget. I also like to avoid going in, so I do ‘grocery pick-up’ to avoid the general public, save time and avoid being accosted by their automated cashiers; “please remove unscanned items from bagging area you f****** thief!”. Ok, they don’t say that last bit but it certainly seems like they’re implying it after the 20th time of saying it. As I vacate I’m reminded to complete the survey to which I’ve been heard saying “F*** off!” by adjacent customers…they can F*** off as well.
I often get frustrated when I simply want to browse a website to get some football news during my 10-minute lunch break. Something to pass the time for that niche window of freedom. But you can’t just go on a website these days. Once you've signed away your rights for privacy as all websites use ‘cookies’ (because someone somewhere wants to know that me is checking who my football team might be buying), a pop-up follows, then a survey or an advert and when you reject the survey you have to complete another survey to let the survey people know why you don’t want to do their STUPID F****** SURVEY. Is it not something you’re interested in? Is it inappropriate? Is it too frequent? NO! It’s just F****** annoying but unfortunately that answer is never an option.
I mean I get advertisement, this blog itself has adverts at the bottom of the page but since I have to have a place for it I thought best to stick it there out of the way so you can hopefully focus on listening to me. There’s certain websites I no longer visit because of this problem. Adverts, surveys at the top, bottom, side and as pop-ups so you have to close it before you can read an article. Or the annoying ones which don’t load right away but then as you start reading, it loads, pushes your article down and then persists in changing multiple times so your articles moves around. I mean it really is the equivalent of being in the Library and some tosser keeps moving your book around and every so often putting another book in front of it before asking your how your experience is. Pretty c**p so far!
What is the real purpose of these surveys though? We all know it isn’t simply just the website or app being courteous. It’s data collection, product improvement and target marketing so that if you do rate the hand drying experience in your local pub, you’re probably going to get adverts on your Facebook feed about the next generation of hand dryers or pubs with top rated washrooms.
It doesn’t stop there either. You can literally provide a review for anything on the internet now. This actually determines why Mrs Wife buys anything now. Often another parcel from Amazon arrives and I’ll make some false claim of interest in the latest bottle innovation our son is going to experience after dinner (I’m only interested in it’s price), to which my Wife will advise me of the reviews; “although this bottle isn’t perfect, it had the best reviews.” I’m also partial to a review or rating but this is exclusive to TV and bars. Is this a good program? Is this a good pub? Anything below a 7.5 rating on IMDB isn’t getting watched and any pub below a 4 on google isn’t getting visited unless I’m taken their drunk by the Irish lot.
Whatever the real reason for all these bloody requests for surveys, feedback, reviews, which the cynical part of me knows is just so I can be bombarded later with more nonsense, I’d sooner live in a reality where the feedback was for something people actually care about. If I ever find myself having a debate about the experience of a hand dryer or washroom in a pub, I will realise that I’ve failed at life…perhaps spending my evening ranting about it is equally a sign.
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